Here and Now

OK

2010-10-16T03:14:00.000-07:00

A rant

2008-09-02T02:32:00.000-07:00

To people who don't listen.

I try to like you but when I know in my soul that you don't hear a word I say, wrapped up in your own world, in a hurry to judge instead of just listening. When every time I talk to you, there's always an opinion waiting.
You put your own spin on what I said and volley it back to me. Instead of feeling like playing a game of tennis where you respond to other players actions, respecting their skills and power, it's like I'm playing against a wall. I know that you don't respect my thinking, my ways and when I'm trying to reach out to you, because I do respect you and hold you in some esteem, it's hurtful. It is only temporary for me as I'll move on to others with whom I can share and move onto next stages of our lives.
The transient sadness is that you and I will not be able to reach a deeper, more intimate relationship.
But I also know that your heart tells you that you have missed a moment, an opportunity to let our souls touch.

Into the Ocean by Blue October

2008-08-26T02:35:00.000-07:00

I'm just a normal boy
That sank when I fell overboard
My ship would leave the country
But I'd rather swim ashore
Without a life that's sadly stuck again
Wish I was much more masculine
Maybe then I could learn to swim
Like (fourteen miles away)

Now floating up and down
I spin, colliding into sound
Like whales beneath be diving down
I'm sinking to the bottom of my
Everything that freaks me out
The lighthouse beam has just run out
I'm cold as cold as cold can be, be

I wanna swim away, but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up, take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion
Let the rain of what I feel right now come down
Let the rain come down

Where is the coastguard?
I keep looking each direction
For a spotlight, give me something
I need something for protection
Maybe flotsam junk will do just fine
The jets, I'm sunk, I'm left behind
I'm treading for my life, believe me

How can I keep up this breathing?

Not knowing how to think
I scream aloud, begin to sink
My legs and arms are broken down
With envy for the solid ground
I'm reaching for the life within me
How can one man stop his ending?
I thought of just your face
Relaxed and floated into space

Now waking to the sun
I calculate what I had done
Like jumping from the bow, yeah
Just to prove that I knew how, yeah
It's midnight's late reminder of
The loss of her, the one I love
My will to quickly end it all
Set front row in my need to fall

Into the ocean, end it all

Saean

2008-08-26T02:11:00.000-07:00

Happy Ending - Mika

2008-08-26T02:04:00.000-07:00

This is the way you left me.
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No happy ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like its forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.
Wake up in the morning,
Stumble on my life.
Can't get no love without sacrifice.
If anything should happen,I guess I wish you well.
Mm A little bit of heaven,
With a little bit of hell.
This is the hardest story that I've ever told.
No hope, no love, no glory.
A happy ending gone forever more.
I feel as if I'm wasted,
And I'm wasted everyday.
This is the way you left me.
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No happy ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like its forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.
Two o'clock in the morning,
Something's on my mind.
Can't get no rest,
Keep walking around.
If I pretend that nothing ever went wrong
I can get to my sleepI can think that we just carried on.
This is the hardest story that I've ever told.
No hope, no love, no glory.
A happy ending gone forever more.

AFC pamphlets

2008-07-17T03:54:00.000-07:00

So much to do, so little time

2008-07-16T21:43:00.001-07:00

Uni holidays started sometime ago but seems like I had less time to blog (which prob accounts for my grades which were dismal due to not studying).

I went back to Chch n worked pretty much the whole time I was there and then had less than a week off before I got temporary job here.

I've been working @ a holiday programme for autistic kids which has been fantastic. I really enjoyed working with kids and we go on a outing everyday. So far I've been to Butterfly Creek, Chipmunks, Westwave and the Auckland Zoo. Tomorrow, which is the last day, we are going rockclimbing. I've learnt a lot about autism and it's been really fun. I've been the 'official' photographer n have been taking lots of photos which makes me even happier.

I can't believe uni starts back on Monday already. I haven't done any study or reading which makes me a bit nervous as one of my lecturers want to have chat with me regarding my exam results.

I'm looking for tutoring jobs and am putting up flyers pretty soon.

Also designing flyers for Akoranga 4 Christ right now.

I'll put up the result of these n some photos soon.

Moana's Birthday I

2008-06-15T00:59:00.000-07:00

Happy birthday Moana!

Written exams are over people!

2008-06-14T02:20:00.000-07:00

Akoranga4Christ

2008-06-14T02:09:00.000-07:00

Encouragement Day preparation. Writing on cards 'best wishes with your studies' (apologies to people who got ones with my horrible writing) to give out with the lollies. Then realising we got locked in on the second floor of the AF block. We had to stumble around in the dark and go through no access area to get out. Sounds like a horror movie?

Night drive

2008-06-14T02:03:00.003-07:00

Mel, Hayley & Alice

2008-06-14T01:57:00.000-07:00

Food, drinks and friends

2008-06-14T01:49:00.000-07:00

Pretty good night, sharing food and drinks with your old and new friends on a cold winter night.

Take a breath and open your eyes

2008-06-14T01:43:00.000-07:00

See the miracles in front of you.

Hmm...

2008-05-28T01:26:00.000-07:00

What does this photo remind you of?

My two pennies

2008-05-27T05:02:00.000-07:00

For me, now, photography is distilling a moment to its essence. My photography mentor once told me to make sure there is only one main object in the shot. I've heard that first thing that you learn in photography is subtraction. What to take out and what to leave in a photo.

When I'm spurred on to take a photo by what I see in front of me, I take what the scene in front of me conveys. What feelings does it evoke? What is the mood? With that picture firmly in mind I press the shutter. Then I keep taking more photos, moving around, looking from different angles and lighting, trying to get that shot I have in my head.

When that is all said and done though, I often find that the first shot was the shot that came closest to what I wanted which seems strange as I had spent least amount of time composing that shot.

I love taking photos. When I realise that the photo I took has captured the essence of what I saw in my head (not exactly accurate as I don't think I've ever taken that one single perfect shot that nakedly shows this) I feel happy. It makes my heart beat faster that I'm going keep doing this.

Earrings

Desert

The Painted Veil

2008-05-27T03:36:00.000-07:00

Very late review (not that anybody cares) of a movie that I had planned to watch ever since I heard Edward Norton was going to star in it which is nearly about a year ago.

Bad - I felt the ending was a bit rushed. I guess I wanted the end to be bit more haunting (perhaps a lingering shot of the stunning mountainous Chinese location?).

click on the picture to see the bigger picture

Good - Stunning location, settings, actors, colours, dialogue, music and of course the main characters, Walter and Kitty.

Those two actors (I was blown away by Naomi Watts in King Kong. She was highlight of the movie along with of course King Kong) make those characters so believable, so real and convey what they are thinking and feeling (complex set of emotions and decisions) so easily across the screen you can't help but relate to them.

Bravo for the location. Bravo to Mr Norton who filmed much of the movie with a broken back.

Hope the DVD is going to have lots of extras (esp about locations).

Mourning

2008-05-27T02:52:00.000-07:00

Heavy title I know. But it's something that needs to be done to lighten my heart and let me move onto better things.
I had a bad week last week. I hated myself for it and that made me feel worse and so went on the cycle of depression.
So my counsellor and I talked about it. Why do I feel such negative emotions even for something so mundane and simple and planning an evening? I tell myself that I can't do it, that I can't go through with my plan. If I can't get things done up to the standard that I have set for myself then there is no point. If you can't do it well/perfect, it's not worth doing at all.
Why the need to get everything so perfect? Why so high a standard?
Because I need to prove to myself that I can be good as I was before. If I can be good as I remember myself being then I can go onto achieving the glorious goals that went with the times (I could live my life to the full again, filled with joy and learning) and have a reason for living. Have a purpose to live for.
At that point tears started falling unbidden. Without warning they travelled down my face and onto my hands.

I wanted to forget.

I wanted to forget the last two years.

I wanted to go back to a blank state I was before, innocent from hate and rage.

In my deepest desires I wished a magical wish.

How could I move on with my life when all my thoughts and actions were based on that wish?
I can only move on when I have grieved for the loss of those two years and really just accept them as they were. Bad times of my life that I need to let go.
Otherwise I will be stuck in time, replaying the same situation over and over again. But I know that isn't for me. I believe that God has planned better things for me. To be filled with joy and to live to glorify His name. I believe that things happen for a reason. These trials and tribulations that I have faced and will face are only so because Lord has bigger plans for me.
Everyday I am witness to miracles that He performs and I am humbled by the grace and power He has shown me. I am thankful for His continous presence and the love that is all giving. You are an awesome God.

Good bye Stitch

2008-05-10T19:34:00.000-07:00

Hey Ace of Spades

Thanks for being with our family for last 2 years.
I'm going to miss you.

Lars and the Real Girl

2008-05-06T04:34:00.000-07:00

Went to a nine o'clock session sort of on a whim; it's a cheap movie night, I've heard good reviews about it, seemed not too serious and heavy like the 'Painted Veil'.

After grabbing a choc dipped ice cream and some skittles I settled into a seat pretty much right in the middle of the seatings while vaguely listening to the 'Sunscreen song'.

Movie opens on a whimsical melody that immediately reminds me of 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind' and I can't help but wonder if that is how semi-quasi indie movies let the audience know that this is a semi-quasi indie movie? But the opening shot is of winterland far north (the movie was shot in Ontario, Canada) quickly brings it down to earth and brings the audience in. Especially after we are introduced to Lars, the titular hero of the movie. I haven't really seen Ryan Gosling in anything but in this movie he is really good.

Lars is lonely and he's been that way for a long time. He is a 'good boy' to others but due to his loneliness he has been decompensating for some time, leading him to order a 'Real Doll' online and then believing that she is a person called Bianca. Otherwise he is highly functinal and the town doctor concludes that his delusion is a way for him to work through problems in his life whatever they maybe.

You could feel silly watching Lars talk to Bianca only seeing Lars's side of the conversation with a sex doll but Ryan Gosling makes us believe that Lars really is interacting with 'her'.

I really liked the other characters Karin and Gus, the sister in law and the older brother, Dagmar the doctor and Margo the girl with a crush on Lars (I liked her hundred times better than Gwyneth Paltrow's turn as Pepper Potts in Ironman, seriously, everytime Paltrow was on screen I had to will my self to pay attention to the movie). Out of all the love that is shown in the movie I found the familial relationships most touching and well done.

Some shots were very beautiful, I liked some long shots of the locations showing snow covered winterscape. I loved the close ups in this movie because it was very good at conveying what that moment was supposed to be. I like the colours and the costumes where up that far north in its isolation I can just imagine that is kind of the clothes people would wear. Costumes were almost over the top, I guess whimsical (I've used that word one time too many but I've generally been feeling that's what life is like lately), which helped to lighten the movie abit.

The movie moved through a weighty subject and ridicule inviting object with sensitivity. It didn't feel heavy handed or awfully calculated and achieved what it had set out to do. Showing a person's transformation can take any form and that it takes courage, love and acceptance.

Ironman

2008-05-03T23:11:00.000-07:00

Movie was pretty good (extra points for starting the movie with 'Back in Black'. For some reason I've been really into AC/DC lately). The dessert down there is called 'Autumn Poem'.

My kind of town

2008-05-03T22:12:00.000-07:00

When I went flew back home...I was blown away by how postcard perfect everything was.
Man, Canterbury is a pretty, pretty place.

Devonport

2008-05-03T21:27:00.000-07:00

Yesterday

2008-04-03T20:51:00.000-07:00

I was at clinical placement yesterday. It started 6pm the night before and was supposed to finish at 6am yesterday morn. As I was realising that those last four hours can drag on long as a whole of day shift we got a priority one call.

I was pretty tired by then and I was looking forward driving home and hitting the bed. Anyway when we arrived the lady did not look good. Ashen and very scared. We had barely got her on the stretcher on the back of the ambulance when she stopped breathing. I was told to put on defib pads and then start CPR.

Oh my gosh I was CPR'ing like hell.

I looked on helplessly as others raced around me controlling the situation as best as they could. The bag mask wasn't getting any breaths in and the family outside were concerned. My mentor was soooo calm, almost offhand, like "Oh yes we are putting on a bandage on her finger."
It calmed the family down a lot.

I was so focused on the CPR and trying to follow what was going on. I could feel my shoulders starting to burn and my arms beginning to tire after I don't know how long (later I heard it was over 10mins). Her pulse came back though from the CPR I think but it was still very weak. The lady was so obese the resus was difficult in lot of the ways but it wouldn't have made any difference in the end.

When an advanced paramedic arrived and started advanced airway stuff her lungs were so full of blood. I changed position and assisted (meaning tried not to get in the way). With all the adrenaline given the ECG reading still came up asystole. We stopped CPR.
Little bit later the AP went into the house and the I heard wailings. We started cleaning up a bit and I was asked whether this was my first arrest (yes) and told I did good CPR.
Sigh. I stood there not knowing what to say and just quietly rasped out 'Thanks'.

We eventually took her to the morgue.
How is that for morbid start to the day?
It was my first time seeing somebody die. The person was alive one minut albeit barely alive and the next minute has lost grip on life and isn't there anymore. Somebody who talked and breathed just like me has ceased to exist. It all looked so easy. Too easy.

Rest in Peace.

May God take pity on your soul.

Some kids' photos

2008-04-01T03:25:00.000-07:00

I'll be uploading some of boarding house kids' photos occasionally

Pasifika Festival

2008-04-01T03:15:00.000-07:00

It was so hot that day n Becky, Phalkun n I met up and just walked around Samoa, Fiji, Tahiti etc. I think it was like the biggest festival in NZ that I went to.

Guess Who!

2008-04-01T03:09:00.000-07:00

What r u looking at?

2008-04-01T03:06:00.000-07:00

On the edge

2008-04-01T02:58:00.000-07:00

There is progress at the edge of things. Everything is always changing, forever moving and unstable and there is beauty in that I'm drawn to.

Life can get lonely sometimes

2008-04-01T02:50:00.001-07:00

But you could say that it never gets so bad that there isn't something worse